Archive for September, 2009

What do I do?

September 21, 2009

I really need to get this off my chest because it’s driving me nuts, and usually blogging helps that.

I’m very upset with myself for having a hissy fit, which is great, because this is just another example of the fact I can’t control my emotions.  I get mad at the internet, then I get mad at myself for getting mad at the internet, and then I get really depressed.  Great emotional control.   Which is supposedly normal for 18 year olds, according to Mefidex.  Nevermind the fact that when was the last time you saw somebody do this on IRC.  This is what bothers me.  Lines like Helepolis saying he thought I was 15/16 hurt, lines saying I’m internet entertainment like Toast really hurt, but what hurts the most is knowing everybody else deals with stress better than I do.  Because even if they are 15-18 year olds with poor emotional control, they sure have it a lot better than I do.  It’s sure as hell obvious to me that most 18 year olds don’t have the problem I do.

If you didn’t know, academically, I hold myself to very high standards.  I try very, very hard in school, get my word done actually in advance, and take mad pride in the fact that some days, like today, my professors compliment me.  So unfortunately, when it turns out I have worse emotional control than all of the people sitting on irc with me (keep in mind this is hundreds of people), some of them much younger than me, and they do, they have better emotional control, it hurts me.  I know I have anger issues, I’ve had this problem before, and I know I need to do something about it.  Which is fine and dandy when I’m not furious at something entirely irrelevant to anything involving my everyday life, but when I’m furious at dumb stuff on the internet, I can’t help it, and it’s embarassing as all hell for me.  It’s silly of me to get mad at myself for not being better than other people, but I do it anyways.

I hate being depressed.  I know I’m whining like I really am 15/16.  Sorry.  I don’t know what to do right now.

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Music

September 7, 2009

Nothing in this post will make any sense.

So I’m listening to hope(ver1.00) right now.  I’m getting this fantastic image.  There are two people lying on a hill, a guy and a girl, they are definitely going out.  The guy is kind of tall, has short styled black hair, and is wearing khaki (not cargo) pants and I don’t really know what color shirt.  The girl is wearing a blue shirt and a long, brown, layered skirt.  She has Shannon’s hair.  Anyways, the hill is like a ten degree slope and is not exactly trimmed, but it’s not that long either.  There is no wind at all, and any trees or anything are null and void.  It’s actually a vaguely cloudy day, but they’re very beautiful, large puffy clouds.  The sky is, well, bright blue.  Sun is shining but it’s not in your eyes so it’s comfortable.  The temperature is probably about 75 degrees.  No words are even being spoken between the two.  These two are connected on a certain level that they merely need to be together to be happy.  And this bliss is what hope is.  haha, geez, I’m actually jeaulous of this image.

Now I have moon playing.  I have exactly two images, but none of them are original.  One is the ending of Meakashi-hen.  Something about the relationship between Satoshi and Shion, and Ooishi’s comment that it is a happy notebook are really settting this off in my mind.  Also, as always, the George and Shannon scene near the end of episode 3.  This song to me is the reunion of two lost lovers.  Stereotypical yes, but that’s exactly what it is.  It’s a darker song than hope, obviously, but this isn’t because it’s sad.  It’s mostly because in the first place, you have to almost doubt it’s real when you finally are reunited.  How could that actually happen?  And even then, when you get reunited, it’s absolutely madatory for this song’s image that both parties are crying, and it’s sort of like you have to remember everything you went to to be reunited with each other.

Requiem:  This song is too sad.  I can’t listen to it right now.  Fuck.  This is almost certainly somebody talking to somebody who is clearly mortally wounded.  This is too sad.

Now I’ve pulled up Towering Cloud in Summer.  I like this one, because it’s a very Spring piece.  I’m getting the image of walking through a garden, probably some roses, but not a very extravagant garden.  However, you’re in such a good mood that winter just passed by, the sun is warm, and you’re happy.  It’s not in particular any color, but it’s a very warm song.  Perhaps it’s yellow, like you would color the sun, green, the color of the leaves, but I”m not fully sure.

生まれてきてくれてありがとう.  Once I told my dream story in here where at the end I came to my house after being gone for a long period of time, to have my dad, who disliked my leaving, to be waiting out front for me, and at this I broke into tears.  Not sad tears, but happy tears, and tears of regret and realization of what he had to go through, because I was too busy thinking of myself.  Later my sisters help me too to get over it and enjoy my time home again.  This song is that exact image.  A happiness so perfect that it makes you realize the grief it took to get there.  I could get pretty philosophical about things like “there can’t be happiness without grief” but that’s not even important right now, this song is just too beautifully happy, and the grief gives it so much meaning at the same time.  The color is a blue that is so close to an azure that you might almost mistake it for an evening sky, but there’s just a hint of brightness that makes you think it’s nearly a warm color.  Truly, this song is, “Thank you for being born.”

Well, that’s the bottom of the list, time to go back to the top.  First I’ve picked cage.  Immediately I have an image of a beautiful wooden table.  However, this is not just a table.  It’s like you’re sitting alone at one end (not sad) and are reminiscing of things that happened at this table.  Christmas and Thanksgiving meals have been here, with all of the family sitting around the same table, enjoying themselves.  People rushing for breakfast, sometimes a late brunch, and just random stops for a meal.  Large dinners with the family, and so many more holiday meals.  As the years and years of this add up, suddenly it’s not even just a table.  Just that table itself is a memory that nobody realizes.  It’s just too beautiful of an image.  Brown as the deepest, most beautiful brown wood you have ever seen, or the brown of a deep brown eye that is so beautiful that you can’t possibly believe there is any malice in that person’s heart.

Answer is producing a nice green.  A solid green that can overcome any sort of barrier and shine through anyways.  It’s a very powerful and hopeful song.  That’s about it though, sorry D:

dir is purple but I am not getting any sort of an image.

dreamenddischarger is blue to a point the word doesn’t even begin to explain how blue the song is.  blue, blue, blue, blue, blue.  A brightish blue, but not a sky blue in the least.  I can’t even begin to develop an image because the song is just too powerful, but there’s a beautiful blue magic circle in the back of my head that I really feel expresses this song perfectly.  A very icy sort of blue shade.

far is kind of tough for me to really understand.  Have you ever heard the song “Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go?”  That’s what this song sort of reminds me of.  It’s almost like a sort of excitement that you’re going somewhere new.  It fits the scene it plays for during the game very well.  It’s a very happy song, but a sort of different sort of happiness.  Try looking out the window the next time you see scenery you immediately pass off as “boring” and try to appreciate it.  That’s what this song is.  In fact, ooh, I like that.  imagine this as a field of corn as you drive by.  The first thing you think is “oh, that’s boring, more corn.”  It seems so vast and endless, and something you couldn’t possibly ever use or want.  Yet people farm it every year, and it will be there the next year, time and time again.  It’s a powerful thought, to think how something you might pass off as “oh, it’s just a corn field” could be such a powerful field, and maybe you shouldn’t just pass it off.  There is purpose in everything and to throw it aside and say it’s “boring looking” is hideously disrespectful.  It’s so huge and powerful, and every year, has to fight against pests and critters, to get to the point of harvest.  Even the corn you eat has to fight to survive, you know.

HANE is a trip to the beach, that’s it.

I have always wondered why I love happiness of marionette so much, and I think I figured it out.  When I got to this tonight, I thought “I want to hear a song that is orange.  I haven’t ever heard anything that in my mind was orange before.”  And i played this song and I finally understood, becuase this is such a beautifully vivid orange.  It’s a very powerful color, something that can shine through many bad things, and it’s powerful.  Very, very powerful of a color.  Actually a happy color too, as this song is without a doubt an extraordinarily happy song.  A song of celebration, of royalty, very much a good graduation song.

With that, I cover everything I feel like from Umineko.

now I’m listening to you.  It’s a very happy sort of song, but I can’t really get an image for it though, a shame.

now I’ve picked Iru to listen to.  It’s a pretty nostalgic song.  Oh, that’s it.  I thin it’s a walk by the beach in the evening.  You can hear the water rush sometimes a little, but it’s more relaxing than anything.  The sky is turning orange finally, and the sun is on the distant horizon.  Ahh, it’s really beautiful, I love water so much.  What a happy image.  It’s a shame the song isn’t longer, because this image cuts off pretty quick due to length issues.  Sad.

right now I have sora no mukou playing.  I like this one becuase it’s sort of like a little dance between two people.  It’s not the song they’re dancing to even, but more what you would feel if you were watching theme dance.  Oh, also.  Since I had mentioned the canal here in an earlier post, this song also reminds me of that.  Sitting at a bench staring at the hills on the other side.  It’s quite beautiful.  The water waves gently, since it’s only a canal, the sun keeps you so perfectly and comfortably warm, and ahh, I want to go do this tomorrow now.  I want to sit out and enjoy my day by sitting around, staring at the canal.  Why do anything?  If I can be at that sort of peace of mind, I’m so eternally happy I don’t even care about accomplishing anything.  Might need to do this some timorrow.

birth and death is an unfairly powerful song.  Let me explain the scnee in Higurashi that this plays during.  In arc 6, Keiichi is tormented by an essentially batshit insane Rena that he is hiding things from his friends and that friends hide absolutely nothing.  What this leads to is him eventually confessing to his friends that at one point on a sort of power whim he got from studying hard for school and doing well, that he got an sirsoft gun, and eventually ended up shooting a girl in the eye.  His friends respond to this by telling him “why did you need to tell us that?  Friends are allowed to keep secrets, that’s part of being friends.”  And at this precise moment, he remembers Onikakushi-hen, where he killed Mion and Rena.In utter agony from the realization that he killed Rena and Mion over a childish prank with a marker, Rika begins to comfort him, and though that truly did happen in another world, in this world it didn’t, and he can apologize, but he certainly killed them in the past.  There are a few things that this song expresses from that.  First, it’s definitely the powerful realization of Keiichi’s that he can have secrets to, and that his friends won’t judge him, even though he shot the girl in the eye.  Next, it’s the sheer hope that Rika herself would feel from having somebody realize something happened in a previous world.  And finally, it’s the hope that Rika, a seemingly little girl, gives Keiichi as she tries to comfort him through his interworld trauma, something he can never, ever reverse.  A beautifully green song.  Green as the most beautiful tree you have ever seen.

Um, I kind of doubt you’ve heard this one, but it’s the Outro from the new Umienko MAD music cd http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RT1ZE8V9 is the song.  It’s an entirely piano arrangement of the fourth Umineko MAD song.  It’s without a doubt a journey.  Take… I dunno.  It’s much like a childhood dream.  You have to set out to see if it’s possible, and if it isn’t, it’s the only way you can grow up.  You see so many sights along the way, and feel many hardships.  But most importantly, what you find is love.  Not even in the sense of the love for a significant other, but a love for the world.  A world where you can go out at will to find out if your childhood dream will ever be more than just a dream.  A world where you can go out and see the sights, and maybe grow up along the way.  But you know, just maybe, you’re pushing it.  Why not wait a little to grow up, you’re still young.  Things like that.  A pink song.

I could probably keep going, but this is getting ridiculous.  If you read most of this, you are an awesome person, thank you so much.

Hmmmm…

September 6, 2009

It’s come to my attention enough that is is probably an issue I should address and think through, and perhaps writing about it in blog format will help me uncover something.

For whatever reason, even though I have a good life, have the things I need to be successful, and in general have no reason for this, I tend to get depressed at night.  Not really sure why.  I get very critical of myself and any sort of error I make with my life seems to be a huge glaring mistake that I can’t ever recover from.  I have no idea why I go over this over and over, becuase it’s silly.  I am a cocky asshole who accomplished a lot for being only in his first year of college, I have developed a work ethic that I feel many people don’t have, and have come up wtih ways in order to deal with failure, but none of this works at night and I start feeling like crap, like there’s nothing for me to do, and all sorts of garbage.  It pisses me off that I have to feel this way every night and I don’t know why.  And this being pissed off about feeling thi sway pisses me off even more so it’s a wonderfully vicious cycle.

I don’t know what I want to do right now.  I feel like there’s something I should be doing right now, like there is something that can set me right, and I have no idea what it is.  I have this beautiful image of a green, grassy field with a river int he distance in my head for no reason and I feel like i neeed to write something about that but that’s just frustrating because I can’t write.  Maybe I want to go dream about it, but chances are I won’t and if I do I won’t remember anyways.  What’s the point?  Actually I wouldn’t mind having a nice inspiring dream right about now but I won’t so what’s the point?  I’m so sick of this feeling.

I have a wonderful issue with insomnia which I think might actually be related but I’m not even sure.  I might be too tired to even stay at my computer seat, but the moment I lie down, I’m wide awake, and I have all sorts of wonderful thoughts varying from why I hate myself becuase I suck and am a terrible person (which is horribly untrue and I don’t even believe any of this about myself but I think it anyways) to random thoughts about how I wonder proving some math idea would go.  Or occasionally whenever I finish a game with a particuarily profound plot, that always keeps me sleepless that night.  After Heaven’s Feel I spent the night barely conscious with thoughts of who knows what on my mind.  I think halfway through the night I realized I had been thinking about Rin, Saber, and Sakura points, but the problem is I didn’t even realize this.  I don’t understand what I am thinking about or why I am thinking about it so it might be significant.

But yeah essentially I deal with this on a nightly basis.  Sleep is fun because I enjoy dreams like you would not believe but it takes too long and is too frustrating to get there.  Argh I’m just frustrated.