It’s come to my attention enough that is is probably an issue I should address and think through, and perhaps writing about it in blog format will help me uncover something.

For whatever reason, even though I have a good life, have the things I need to be successful, and in general have no reason for this, I tend to get depressed at night.  Not really sure why.  I get very critical of myself and any sort of error I make with my life seems to be a huge glaring mistake that I can’t ever recover from.  I have no idea why I go over this over and over, becuase it’s silly.  I am a cocky asshole who accomplished a lot for being only in his first year of college, I have developed a work ethic that I feel many people don’t have, and have come up wtih ways in order to deal with failure, but none of this works at night and I start feeling like crap, like there’s nothing for me to do, and all sorts of garbage.  It pisses me off that I have to feel this way every night and I don’t know why.  And this being pissed off about feeling thi sway pisses me off even more so it’s a wonderfully vicious cycle.

I don’t know what I want to do right now.  I feel like there’s something I should be doing right now, like there is something that can set me right, and I have no idea what it is.  I have this beautiful image of a green, grassy field with a river int he distance in my head for no reason and I feel like i neeed to write something about that but that’s just frustrating because I can’t write.  Maybe I want to go dream about it, but chances are I won’t and if I do I won’t remember anyways.  What’s the point?  Actually I wouldn’t mind having a nice inspiring dream right about now but I won’t so what’s the point?  I’m so sick of this feeling.

I have a wonderful issue with insomnia which I think might actually be related but I’m not even sure.  I might be too tired to even stay at my computer seat, but the moment I lie down, I’m wide awake, and I have all sorts of wonderful thoughts varying from why I hate myself becuase I suck and am a terrible person (which is horribly untrue and I don’t even believe any of this about myself but I think it anyways) to random thoughts about how I wonder proving some math idea would go.  Or occasionally whenever I finish a game with a particuarily profound plot, that always keeps me sleepless that night.  After Heaven’s Feel I spent the night barely conscious with thoughts of who knows what on my mind.  I think halfway through the night I realized I had been thinking about Rin, Saber, and Sakura points, but the problem is I didn’t even realize this.  I don’t understand what I am thinking about or why I am thinking about it so it might be significant.

But yeah essentially I deal with this on a nightly basis.  Sleep is fun because I enjoy dreams like you would not believe but it takes too long and is too frustrating to get there.  Argh I’m just frustrated.


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