Archive for October, 2009

Being boring.

October 31, 2009

I think I’m onto something.  Have you ever noticed I really dislike people online calling themselves boring?  It’s odd, but I think I’ve discovered one of my biggest fears: being boring.

Now this is weird, because honestly I don’t give the slightest bit of a care if random people think I’m interesting or not, but for some reason the thought of being a boring person (note how I don’t use the word ordinary or average, they are very different things) scares me.  I wonder why.

I’ve noticed that when I’m out with friends doing mini golf or something, I climb on stuff, I run around the place, skip stairs, and all sorts of stuff.  It’s a little odd, I don’t normally do that.  I think part of the reason I liveblog online so much (I apologize for this, if I get on your nerves, PLEASE tell me to stop, and I will) because it’s like a shotgun approach: I’m basically spamming stuff until somebody finds something interesting (plus dancing is a lot of fun).

Odd, a little quirk of mine.  I don’t mind being ordinary, I try not to be ordinary in many ways, but I know I’m going to be ordinary in many ways, there’s very little you can do about that as a person.  But being boring scares me, and I don’t think any of you are boring and I would hope you don’t call yourself boring.  Sana, you are hardly a boring person.  Not even sure if I can say the word average, but you are by no means boring, and I don’t think you truly want to be boring, just so you know~

But this is interesting, I do think this is why it bother me when people say they think they are boring and worry about it.  You aren’t.


Good day!

October 23, 2009

Whee, I had an awesome day today.

Gave a presentation on an essay in my English class today, that went well.  When the class was asked to give advice on my presentation, they sat for a bit… and then somebody gave me thumbs up and another told me it was good, but apparently I talk a bit fast.  Yay.

Anyways, during chem, I actually slept through an iClicker question.  I woke up to a girl from social dance club going “Ben, Ben, you need to stay awake!”  I couldn’t stop laughing.  Stayed awake then, though, haha.  It was so funny though.

At the start of math/physics, the professor was late as always, and some of us were joking about every day she’s late, we get to skip a quiz.  I said something about adding them up for the exam, since I don’t really need to skip quizzes, and somebody not in the conversation randomly was like “You know, you should think about the freshman part of your nickname more.”  Later he stopped me after class and said some stuff about “teaching yourself math and physics being rare” and something about everybody else thinking I probably don’t need to work as hard as they do.  He ended with saying “you are a freshman, and I need to keep you from getting beat up” so apparently what I had said was a bit over the top.  I don’t fully know if I was lectured or complimented, but I’m happy that at least somebody acknowledged the fact it was work in order to get here.

Good day, tomorrow promises to be good, save for the fact I’m getting sick or something.

Stressing out, or something

October 21, 2009

Huh, I’m kind of confused.  I’m stressing out randomly and it’s really bugging me.  I have homework up the wazoo, and no motivation to work on it anymore.  I spent all day in class or doing homework today, didn’t get any chance to do viola which I wanted to do, should have done laundry but lol I didn’t have time for that either, what on Earth am I supposed to do?  I don’t know why I’m freaking out, it’s not like I haven’t had to deal with this much work, I only have some good 10 hours of homework due on Friday, and a good 5-6 more due on Saturday, I just need to sit around and work myself to death.  I’ve done it before, I don’t know why it’s bugging me so much today.  Argh.

I’m not getting enough sleep, either, because this is bringing back my insomnia, I sit awake all night trying to figure out what I’m going to to take care of the next day, which really sucks, so I’m getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, generally having nightmares, and keep in mind a nightmare for me tends to be “paralyzed in bed while you’re being attacked by something you can’t see.”  That’s a whole hell of a lot of fun.  Ever have a nightmare where you’re stuck on your futon which you can see the front door from and somebody is banging on the door and you can’t move and it gets louder and louder and you can’t see anything out of the norm so you have no idea what’s going on?  I have!  It scared the living shit out of me and I didn’t sleep that night after that.  I’m getting crap like that again, and it’s pissing me off.

But yeah, if you can’t tell, I suck at dealing with stress.  At least my mood is okay, I’ve been in way worse moods that this.

Also, I’m still confused by college.  Everybody talks about “the college experience” and “this feeling of freedom” and all of that stuff.  I haven’t felt any more free that I did in high school, and as for the college experience, I’m certainly having a good time, but this isn’t really significant enough to be called “the college experience” I feel.  Maybe it is, I haven’t a clue anymore.  I went to a party, had a blast, didn’t really get bugged about not drinking, but I mean, is this really the college experience?  Did I need to get wasted out of my mind, puke my guts out, and not remember a thing the next day to have it?  Am I doing something wrong?  I don’t even know.  I dove headfirst into this dancing and I”m loving it, but how is THAT the college experience, society of physics students, math club… none of that seems that different or exciting.  It’s just nothing new enough to be called “the college experience.”

What am I doing wrong?  I’m curious.  In honestly, I seriously think I am doing nothing wrong, so I’m just curious.  Do any of you think I’m doing something wrong?  Because I was told “just wait and see when you get to college” whenever I talked about it, and come on, it’s not that different.  I’m not homesick, even though I love my house.  I’m not screwing somebody new every night, even though I hear “everybody who is a virgin loses it fast” at college (bear in mind this doesn’t bother me).  I still don’t get drunk every weekend.  Oh, come to think of it, tomorrow some girl I heard in the dining hall isn’t just getting smashed, she’s getting busmashed.  What does that even mean.

Argh.  I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, I’m happy with it, I just don’t see how this is in any way “the college experience.”  At least this weekend I have something to look forwards to, sounds like I”ll be playing some violin viola duets with my English professor actually, she learned I played viola and was rather interested in this, so I’m excited for that.  Hopefully I can take care of my stress by then and it’ll work out nice.  I hope.

Why do I play music? (and some other stuff)

October 18, 2009

Had you asked me this a year ago, the answer would have been so bloody simple: “So I can make music for myself to listen to.”

Something changed.  I don’t know what, where, why, or anything.  But I will work through a few ideas and explain them.

First off, I am obligated to.  I have a viola, I use my sister’s violin, and my family is a musical family.  There’s almost an obligation that I would play music.  In fact, in my house, only one person doesn’t.  This is only a little though.

It is still for myself, partially.  I want to make music for myself to listen to, I want to train my ears so they can hear music better, and that sort of thing.  It makes me happy to play music, I can throw my emotions into my bow arm and listen to how they sound.   …Wow, that’s a particuarily beautiful analogy.  I need to remember that.  “By putting my emotions into my bow arm, I give them musical form.”  That’s beautiful.  It is a way for me to vent harmlessly, and make wonderful sounds in the process.  Oh, how I love making music.

But this is where things change:  I am now doing it for other people too.  Sometimes, when I listen to music, I am blown away.  Like, I am totally floored.  I want to do this to somebody.  I want somebody to listen to me play, and when I finish the piece, they sit there with their mouth open for a bit before realizing the piece is over, and they need to clap.  This sheer sense of awe that some piece is so beautiful it leaves you speechless.  I want to make somebody feel this.

Almost on the same topic… I think I want to produce music so beautiful somebody cries.  I’m not fully sure on this one though.  Recently I was on IRC talking to sz, and in a bit of bragging about the people he lived with, he mentioned he lived with somebody so good at piano it has moved him to tears.  I was jealous, but later, I sat down, and I figured out why.  It wasn’t because I wasn’t the one crying, it was because I wasn’t the one making him cry.  Not even him in particular, but just anybody.  I want to make a sound that beautiful that somebody truly wants to listen to it.  Somebody will cry when they hear me play.  It’s so beautiful.  This is a vague goal that I haven’t truly quantified yet.  I’m not sure.

But really, I just love music too much to not want to make it myself.  It is a need, not a want.  I need to make music to make myself feel satisfied with myself, and it is such a fun process.  I have some vague plans to put on a recital for the Honors Institute, actually.  I hope this follows through.

Okay, that’s not as good as I was expecting, let me try to add something else.

What is different about me than other students?  Let me explain what I mean.

Recently I went to the Physics Lab to chill between classes, and well, I got into a discussion with some of the people in my junior physics course about my homework and the like, and I mentioned it was pretty simple, and I got a “for you, maybe.”  I didn’t expect this, actually.  I know I’m good at this, I really am.  I didn’t expect two things, actually.

A.  I genuinely thought the topics we were on were easy.  I really did.  I know harder topics, and I figured other people were the same, but I guess I’m not right.  So I get “well, you’re smart freshman, so of course it’s easy”  Of course, there’s also this:

B.  Why me?  Do you know why it is easier for me?  Do you know, do you want to know?  Because I didn’t wake up one day and know how to do LaGrange Multipliers, and I didn’t wake up and know how to integrate one day, or do linear algebra with complex numbers.  I worked for it.  I really, really worked for it, and it frustrated me that this is passed off as being “it’s easy for you, really.”  No, it isn’t.  I worked very hard in the past so that when I covered these topics they wouldn’t be overly challenging.  There are still things that are very challenging for me, but serously, this is not it.  This is not hard work we are covering.  You know, so many other people could be where I am if they had tried to.  I’m serious, put some effort into it people.

The physics majors really do love physics, but something is different about it.  Most of them don’t seem to actually enjoy doing it.  It’s really work for them, and they hate doing their lab reports, and hate doing their homework, and put everything off until the last possible moment in order to get it done.  Why can’t they take the same pleasure out of this that I do?  A few of them do, at least, but not all of them.  What’s different about me and them.  Why are they able to force themselves to do all of this work.  I couldn’t, I just do it because I enjoy it.  What they think of as “work” (and what I called “working for it” above) is also fun.  It’s so much fun to learn.

It’s frustrating, I was hoping I could meet some awesome fellow physicists who truly loved what they did, but it’s not working how I wanted it to.  People disappoint me in the end, I guess.  It’s still fun though, I really do enjoy these people, but I guess it’s not what I was hoping for.


October 18, 2009

I have been listening to this song for the past four hours now.  It started this morning with it terribly stuck in my head.  And every time I heard it in my head.  I felt terribly empty.  I wasn’t depressed mind you, I’m having one of the better days I ever have, every time I walked outside and felt the cool air and saw the blue sky, I was grinning in happiness, I had a wonderful discussion for an hour with one of my professors, I’m freaking happy.

It gradually caught on after an hour how this song made me feel.  It made me sad, depressed, and mostly, I described it as a depressing song.  Give me another hour of listening to it, and I changed that, it was lonely.  And I noticed something: I was on the verge of tears.  So I decided why the hell not, I’m going to keep listening to it.  I can only describe my mood now as grief.  There is not thought in my head beyond how much grief I feel from this song.

This song is no ordinary sense of loneliness.  Lonely in the sense you’re alone in your room and bored is fine, but this is something different.  This is a feeling of such emptiness you don’t even feel like you exist.  Your own mind is a lie and doesn’t exist.  You have nothing inside of you, you are empty, empty empty, and every time this song climaxes, this brings me such grief I nearly cry.  I have never felt such emotion from a song, one of my goals in life is to find extreme emotions like this.  I dream of music making me feel this way, of situations making me feel this way, I have dreams where I sob so hard I feel like I will never stop, and this is what I am looking for, and I have found it in real life.

I have been entirely destroyed by a piece of music.  My emotions are ruined by a piece of music, and right now I can’t feel anything but grief, nothing but sheer grief so bad I want to sob uncontrollably, but I will look back tomorrow and it will be good, just like every dream I’ve had like this.