I have been listening to this song for the past four hours now.  It started this morning with it terribly stuck in my head.  And every time I heard it in my head.  I felt terribly empty.  I wasn’t depressed mind you, I’m having one of the better days I ever have, every time I walked outside and felt the cool air and saw the blue sky, I was grinning in happiness, I had a wonderful discussion for an hour with one of my professors, I’m freaking happy.

It gradually caught on after an hour how this song made me feel.  It made me sad, depressed, and mostly, I described it as a depressing song.  Give me another hour of listening to it, and I changed that, it was lonely.  And I noticed something: I was on the verge of tears.  So I decided why the hell not, I’m going to keep listening to it.  I can only describe my mood now as grief.  There is not thought in my head beyond how much grief I feel from this song.

This song is no ordinary sense of loneliness.  Lonely in the sense you’re alone in your room and bored is fine, but this is something different.  This is a feeling of such emptiness you don’t even feel like you exist.  Your own mind is a lie and doesn’t exist.  You have nothing inside of you, you are empty, empty empty, and every time this song climaxes, this brings me such grief I nearly cry.  I have never felt such emotion from a song, one of my goals in life is to find extreme emotions like this.  I dream of music making me feel this way, of situations making me feel this way, I have dreams where I sob so hard I feel like I will never stop, and this is what I am looking for, and I have found it in real life.

I have been entirely destroyed by a piece of music.  My emotions are ruined by a piece of music, and right now I can’t feel anything but grief, nothing but sheer grief so bad I want to sob uncontrollably, but I will look back tomorrow and it will be good, just like every dream I’ve had like this.


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