Why do I play music? (and some other stuff)

Had you asked me this a year ago, the answer would have been so bloody simple: “So I can make music for myself to listen to.”

Something changed.  I don’t know what, where, why, or anything.  But I will work through a few ideas and explain them.

First off, I am obligated to.  I have a viola, I use my sister’s violin, and my family is a musical family.  There’s almost an obligation that I would play music.  In fact, in my house, only one person doesn’t.  This is only a little though.

It is still for myself, partially.  I want to make music for myself to listen to, I want to train my ears so they can hear music better, and that sort of thing.  It makes me happy to play music, I can throw my emotions into my bow arm and listen to how they sound.   …Wow, that’s a particuarily beautiful analogy.  I need to remember that.  “By putting my emotions into my bow arm, I give them musical form.”  That’s beautiful.  It is a way for me to vent harmlessly, and make wonderful sounds in the process.  Oh, how I love making music.

But this is where things change:  I am now doing it for other people too.  Sometimes, when I listen to music, I am blown away.  Like, I am totally floored.  I want to do this to somebody.  I want somebody to listen to me play, and when I finish the piece, they sit there with their mouth open for a bit before realizing the piece is over, and they need to clap.  This sheer sense of awe that some piece is so beautiful it leaves you speechless.  I want to make somebody feel this.

Almost on the same topic… I think I want to produce music so beautiful somebody cries.  I’m not fully sure on this one though.  Recently I was on IRC talking to sz, and in a bit of bragging about the people he lived with, he mentioned he lived with somebody so good at piano it has moved him to tears.  I was jealous, but later, I sat down, and I figured out why.  It wasn’t because I wasn’t the one crying, it was because I wasn’t the one making him cry.  Not even him in particular, but just anybody.  I want to make a sound that beautiful that somebody truly wants to listen to it.  Somebody will cry when they hear me play.  It’s so beautiful.  This is a vague goal that I haven’t truly quantified yet.  I’m not sure.

But really, I just love music too much to not want to make it myself.  It is a need, not a want.  I need to make music to make myself feel satisfied with myself, and it is such a fun process.  I have some vague plans to put on a recital for the Honors Institute, actually.  I hope this follows through.

Okay, that’s not as good as I was expecting, let me try to add something else.

What is different about me than other students?  Let me explain what I mean.

Recently I went to the Physics Lab to chill between classes, and well, I got into a discussion with some of the people in my junior physics course about my homework and the like, and I mentioned it was pretty simple, and I got a “for you, maybe.”  I didn’t expect this, actually.  I know I’m good at this, I really am.  I didn’t expect two things, actually.

A.  I genuinely thought the topics we were on were easy.  I really did.  I know harder topics, and I figured other people were the same, but I guess I’m not right.  So I get “well, you’re smart freshman, so of course it’s easy”  Of course, there’s also this:

B.  Why me?  Do you know why it is easier for me?  Do you know, do you want to know?  Because I didn’t wake up one day and know how to do LaGrange Multipliers, and I didn’t wake up and know how to integrate one day, or do linear algebra with complex numbers.  I worked for it.  I really, really worked for it, and it frustrated me that this is passed off as being “it’s easy for you, really.”  No, it isn’t.  I worked very hard in the past so that when I covered these topics they wouldn’t be overly challenging.  There are still things that are very challenging for me, but serously, this is not it.  This is not hard work we are covering.  You know, so many other people could be where I am if they had tried to.  I’m serious, put some effort into it people.

The physics majors really do love physics, but something is different about it.  Most of them don’t seem to actually enjoy doing it.  It’s really work for them, and they hate doing their lab reports, and hate doing their homework, and put everything off until the last possible moment in order to get it done.  Why can’t they take the same pleasure out of this that I do?  A few of them do, at least, but not all of them.  What’s different about me and them.  Why are they able to force themselves to do all of this work.  I couldn’t, I just do it because I enjoy it.  What they think of as “work” (and what I called “working for it” above) is also fun.  It’s so much fun to learn.

It’s frustrating, I was hoping I could meet some awesome fellow physicists who truly loved what they did, but it’s not working how I wanted it to.  People disappoint me in the end, I guess.  It’s still fun though, I really do enjoy these people, but I guess it’s not what I was hoping for.


One Response to “Why do I play music? (and some other stuff)”

  1. C.H. Says:

    Music is such a great way to relax.

    ~ C.H.
    Music news, artist reviews, and upcoming songs at the new Decibel Blog.

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