Stressing out, or something

Huh, I’m kind of confused.  I’m stressing out randomly and it’s really bugging me.  I have homework up the wazoo, and no motivation to work on it anymore.  I spent all day in class or doing homework today, didn’t get any chance to do viola which I wanted to do, should have done laundry but lol I didn’t have time for that either, what on Earth am I supposed to do?  I don’t know why I’m freaking out, it’s not like I haven’t had to deal with this much work, I only have some good 10 hours of homework due on Friday, and a good 5-6 more due on Saturday, I just need to sit around and work myself to death.  I’ve done it before, I don’t know why it’s bugging me so much today.  Argh.

I’m not getting enough sleep, either, because this is bringing back my insomnia, I sit awake all night trying to figure out what I’m going to to take care of the next day, which really sucks, so I’m getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, generally having nightmares, and keep in mind a nightmare for me tends to be “paralyzed in bed while you’re being attacked by something you can’t see.”  That’s a whole hell of a lot of fun.  Ever have a nightmare where you’re stuck on your futon which you can see the front door from and somebody is banging on the door and you can’t move and it gets louder and louder and you can’t see anything out of the norm so you have no idea what’s going on?  I have!  It scared the living shit out of me and I didn’t sleep that night after that.  I’m getting crap like that again, and it’s pissing me off.

But yeah, if you can’t tell, I suck at dealing with stress.  At least my mood is okay, I’ve been in way worse moods that this.

Also, I’m still confused by college.  Everybody talks about “the college experience” and “this feeling of freedom” and all of that stuff.  I haven’t felt any more free that I did in high school, and as for the college experience, I’m certainly having a good time, but this isn’t really significant enough to be called “the college experience” I feel.  Maybe it is, I haven’t a clue anymore.  I went to a party, had a blast, didn’t really get bugged about not drinking, but I mean, is this really the college experience?  Did I need to get wasted out of my mind, puke my guts out, and not remember a thing the next day to have it?  Am I doing something wrong?  I don’t even know.  I dove headfirst into this dancing and I”m loving it, but how is THAT the college experience, society of physics students, math club… none of that seems that different or exciting.  It’s just nothing new enough to be called “the college experience.”

What am I doing wrong?  I’m curious.  In honestly, I seriously think I am doing nothing wrong, so I’m just curious.  Do any of you think I’m doing something wrong?  Because I was told “just wait and see when you get to college” whenever I talked about it, and come on, it’s not that different.  I’m not homesick, even though I love my house.  I’m not screwing somebody new every night, even though I hear “everybody who is a virgin loses it fast” at college (bear in mind this doesn’t bother me).  I still don’t get drunk every weekend.  Oh, come to think of it, tomorrow some girl I heard in the dining hall isn’t just getting smashed, she’s getting busmashed.  What does that even mean.

Argh.  I’ll keep doing what I’m doing, I’m happy with it, I just don’t see how this is in any way “the college experience.”  At least this weekend I have something to look forwards to, sounds like I”ll be playing some violin viola duets with my English professor actually, she learned I played viola and was rather interested in this, so I’m excited for that.  Hopefully I can take care of my stress by then and it’ll work out nice.  I hope.


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