October 18, 2009

I have been listening to this song for the past four hours now.  It started this morning with it terribly stuck in my head.  And every time I heard it in my head.  I felt terribly empty.  I wasn’t depressed mind you, I’m having one of the better days I ever have, every time I walked outside and felt the cool air and saw the blue sky, I was grinning in happiness, I had a wonderful discussion for an hour with one of my professors, I’m freaking happy.

It gradually caught on after an hour how this song made me feel.  It made me sad, depressed, and mostly, I described it as a depressing song.  Give me another hour of listening to it, and I changed that, it was lonely.  And I noticed something: I was on the verge of tears.  So I decided why the hell not, I’m going to keep listening to it.  I can only describe my mood now as grief.  There is not thought in my head beyond how much grief I feel from this song.

This song is no ordinary sense of loneliness.  Lonely in the sense you’re alone in your room and bored is fine, but this is something different.  This is a feeling of such emptiness you don’t even feel like you exist.  Your own mind is a lie and doesn’t exist.  You have nothing inside of you, you are empty, empty empty, and every time this song climaxes, this brings me such grief I nearly cry.  I have never felt such emotion from a song, one of my goals in life is to find extreme emotions like this.  I dream of music making me feel this way, of situations making me feel this way, I have dreams where I sob so hard I feel like I will never stop, and this is what I am looking for, and I have found it in real life.

I have been entirely destroyed by a piece of music.  My emotions are ruined by a piece of music, and right now I can’t feel anything but grief, nothing but sheer grief so bad I want to sob uncontrollably, but I will look back tomorrow and it will be good, just like every dream I’ve had like this.


What do I do?

September 21, 2009

I really need to get this off my chest because it’s driving me nuts, and usually blogging helps that.

I’m very upset with myself for having a hissy fit, which is great, because this is just another example of the fact I can’t control my emotions.  I get mad at the internet, then I get mad at myself for getting mad at the internet, and then I get really depressed.  Great emotional control.   Which is supposedly normal for 18 year olds, according to Mefidex.  Nevermind the fact that when was the last time you saw somebody do this on IRC.  This is what bothers me.  Lines like Helepolis saying he thought I was 15/16 hurt, lines saying I’m internet entertainment like Toast really hurt, but what hurts the most is knowing everybody else deals with stress better than I do.  Because even if they are 15-18 year olds with poor emotional control, they sure have it a lot better than I do.  It’s sure as hell obvious to me that most 18 year olds don’t have the problem I do.

If you didn’t know, academically, I hold myself to very high standards.  I try very, very hard in school, get my word done actually in advance, and take mad pride in the fact that some days, like today, my professors compliment me.  So unfortunately, when it turns out I have worse emotional control than all of the people sitting on irc with me (keep in mind this is hundreds of people), some of them much younger than me, and they do, they have better emotional control, it hurts me.  I know I have anger issues, I’ve had this problem before, and I know I need to do something about it.  Which is fine and dandy when I’m not furious at something entirely irrelevant to anything involving my everyday life, but when I’m furious at dumb stuff on the internet, I can’t help it, and it’s embarassing as all hell for me.  It’s silly of me to get mad at myself for not being better than other people, but I do it anyways.

I hate being depressed.  I know I’m whining like I really am 15/16.  Sorry.  I don’t know what to do right now.


September 7, 2009

Nothing in this post will make any sense.

So I’m listening to hope(ver1.00) right now.  I’m getting this fantastic image.  There are two people lying on a hill, a guy and a girl, they are definitely going out.  The guy is kind of tall, has short styled black hair, and is wearing khaki (not cargo) pants and I don’t really know what color shirt.  The girl is wearing a blue shirt and a long, brown, layered skirt.  She has Shannon’s hair.  Anyways, the hill is like a ten degree slope and is not exactly trimmed, but it’s not that long either.  There is no wind at all, and any trees or anything are null and void.  It’s actually a vaguely cloudy day, but they’re very beautiful, large puffy clouds.  The sky is, well, bright blue.  Sun is shining but it’s not in your eyes so it’s comfortable.  The temperature is probably about 75 degrees.  No words are even being spoken between the two.  These two are connected on a certain level that they merely need to be together to be happy.  And this bliss is what hope is.  haha, geez, I’m actually jeaulous of this image.

Now I have moon playing.  I have exactly two images, but none of them are original.  One is the ending of Meakashi-hen.  Something about the relationship between Satoshi and Shion, and Ooishi’s comment that it is a happy notebook are really settting this off in my mind.  Also, as always, the George and Shannon scene near the end of episode 3.  This song to me is the reunion of two lost lovers.  Stereotypical yes, but that’s exactly what it is.  It’s a darker song than hope, obviously, but this isn’t because it’s sad.  It’s mostly because in the first place, you have to almost doubt it’s real when you finally are reunited.  How could that actually happen?  And even then, when you get reunited, it’s absolutely madatory for this song’s image that both parties are crying, and it’s sort of like you have to remember everything you went to to be reunited with each other.

Requiem:  This song is too sad.  I can’t listen to it right now.  Fuck.  This is almost certainly somebody talking to somebody who is clearly mortally wounded.  This is too sad.

Now I’ve pulled up Towering Cloud in Summer.  I like this one, because it’s a very Spring piece.  I’m getting the image of walking through a garden, probably some roses, but not a very extravagant garden.  However, you’re in such a good mood that winter just passed by, the sun is warm, and you’re happy.  It’s not in particular any color, but it’s a very warm song.  Perhaps it’s yellow, like you would color the sun, green, the color of the leaves, but I”m not fully sure.

生まれてきてくれてありがとう.  Once I told my dream story in here where at the end I came to my house after being gone for a long period of time, to have my dad, who disliked my leaving, to be waiting out front for me, and at this I broke into tears.  Not sad tears, but happy tears, and tears of regret and realization of what he had to go through, because I was too busy thinking of myself.  Later my sisters help me too to get over it and enjoy my time home again.  This song is that exact image.  A happiness so perfect that it makes you realize the grief it took to get there.  I could get pretty philosophical about things like “there can’t be happiness without grief” but that’s not even important right now, this song is just too beautifully happy, and the grief gives it so much meaning at the same time.  The color is a blue that is so close to an azure that you might almost mistake it for an evening sky, but there’s just a hint of brightness that makes you think it’s nearly a warm color.  Truly, this song is, “Thank you for being born.”

Well, that’s the bottom of the list, time to go back to the top.  First I’ve picked cage.  Immediately I have an image of a beautiful wooden table.  However, this is not just a table.  It’s like you’re sitting alone at one end (not sad) and are reminiscing of things that happened at this table.  Christmas and Thanksgiving meals have been here, with all of the family sitting around the same table, enjoying themselves.  People rushing for breakfast, sometimes a late brunch, and just random stops for a meal.  Large dinners with the family, and so many more holiday meals.  As the years and years of this add up, suddenly it’s not even just a table.  Just that table itself is a memory that nobody realizes.  It’s just too beautiful of an image.  Brown as the deepest, most beautiful brown wood you have ever seen, or the brown of a deep brown eye that is so beautiful that you can’t possibly believe there is any malice in that person’s heart.

Answer is producing a nice green.  A solid green that can overcome any sort of barrier and shine through anyways.  It’s a very powerful and hopeful song.  That’s about it though, sorry D:

dir is purple but I am not getting any sort of an image.

dreamenddischarger is blue to a point the word doesn’t even begin to explain how blue the song is.  blue, blue, blue, blue, blue.  A brightish blue, but not a sky blue in the least.  I can’t even begin to develop an image because the song is just too powerful, but there’s a beautiful blue magic circle in the back of my head that I really feel expresses this song perfectly.  A very icy sort of blue shade.

far is kind of tough for me to really understand.  Have you ever heard the song “Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go?”  That’s what this song sort of reminds me of.  It’s almost like a sort of excitement that you’re going somewhere new.  It fits the scene it plays for during the game very well.  It’s a very happy song, but a sort of different sort of happiness.  Try looking out the window the next time you see scenery you immediately pass off as “boring” and try to appreciate it.  That’s what this song is.  In fact, ooh, I like that.  imagine this as a field of corn as you drive by.  The first thing you think is “oh, that’s boring, more corn.”  It seems so vast and endless, and something you couldn’t possibly ever use or want.  Yet people farm it every year, and it will be there the next year, time and time again.  It’s a powerful thought, to think how something you might pass off as “oh, it’s just a corn field” could be such a powerful field, and maybe you shouldn’t just pass it off.  There is purpose in everything and to throw it aside and say it’s “boring looking” is hideously disrespectful.  It’s so huge and powerful, and every year, has to fight against pests and critters, to get to the point of harvest.  Even the corn you eat has to fight to survive, you know.

HANE is a trip to the beach, that’s it.

I have always wondered why I love happiness of marionette so much, and I think I figured it out.  When I got to this tonight, I thought “I want to hear a song that is orange.  I haven’t ever heard anything that in my mind was orange before.”  And i played this song and I finally understood, becuase this is such a beautifully vivid orange.  It’s a very powerful color, something that can shine through many bad things, and it’s powerful.  Very, very powerful of a color.  Actually a happy color too, as this song is without a doubt an extraordinarily happy song.  A song of celebration, of royalty, very much a good graduation song.

With that, I cover everything I feel like from Umineko.

now I’m listening to you.  It’s a very happy sort of song, but I can’t really get an image for it though, a shame.

now I’ve picked Iru to listen to.  It’s a pretty nostalgic song.  Oh, that’s it.  I thin it’s a walk by the beach in the evening.  You can hear the water rush sometimes a little, but it’s more relaxing than anything.  The sky is turning orange finally, and the sun is on the distant horizon.  Ahh, it’s really beautiful, I love water so much.  What a happy image.  It’s a shame the song isn’t longer, because this image cuts off pretty quick due to length issues.  Sad.

right now I have sora no mukou playing.  I like this one becuase it’s sort of like a little dance between two people.  It’s not the song they’re dancing to even, but more what you would feel if you were watching theme dance.  Oh, also.  Since I had mentioned the canal here in an earlier post, this song also reminds me of that.  Sitting at a bench staring at the hills on the other side.  It’s quite beautiful.  The water waves gently, since it’s only a canal, the sun keeps you so perfectly and comfortably warm, and ahh, I want to go do this tomorrow now.  I want to sit out and enjoy my day by sitting around, staring at the canal.  Why do anything?  If I can be at that sort of peace of mind, I’m so eternally happy I don’t even care about accomplishing anything.  Might need to do this some timorrow.

birth and death is an unfairly powerful song.  Let me explain the scnee in Higurashi that this plays during.  In arc 6, Keiichi is tormented by an essentially batshit insane Rena that he is hiding things from his friends and that friends hide absolutely nothing.  What this leads to is him eventually confessing to his friends that at one point on a sort of power whim he got from studying hard for school and doing well, that he got an sirsoft gun, and eventually ended up shooting a girl in the eye.  His friends respond to this by telling him “why did you need to tell us that?  Friends are allowed to keep secrets, that’s part of being friends.”  And at this precise moment, he remembers Onikakushi-hen, where he killed Mion and Rena.In utter agony from the realization that he killed Rena and Mion over a childish prank with a marker, Rika begins to comfort him, and though that truly did happen in another world, in this world it didn’t, and he can apologize, but he certainly killed them in the past.  There are a few things that this song expresses from that.  First, it’s definitely the powerful realization of Keiichi’s that he can have secrets to, and that his friends won’t judge him, even though he shot the girl in the eye.  Next, it’s the sheer hope that Rika herself would feel from having somebody realize something happened in a previous world.  And finally, it’s the hope that Rika, a seemingly little girl, gives Keiichi as she tries to comfort him through his interworld trauma, something he can never, ever reverse.  A beautifully green song.  Green as the most beautiful tree you have ever seen.

Um, I kind of doubt you’ve heard this one, but it’s the Outro from the new Umienko MAD music cd is the song.  It’s an entirely piano arrangement of the fourth Umineko MAD song.  It’s without a doubt a journey.  Take… I dunno.  It’s much like a childhood dream.  You have to set out to see if it’s possible, and if it isn’t, it’s the only way you can grow up.  You see so many sights along the way, and feel many hardships.  But most importantly, what you find is love.  Not even in the sense of the love for a significant other, but a love for the world.  A world where you can go out at will to find out if your childhood dream will ever be more than just a dream.  A world where you can go out and see the sights, and maybe grow up along the way.  But you know, just maybe, you’re pushing it.  Why not wait a little to grow up, you’re still young.  Things like that.  A pink song.

I could probably keep going, but this is getting ridiculous.  If you read most of this, you are an awesome person, thank you so much.


September 6, 2009

It’s come to my attention enough that is is probably an issue I should address and think through, and perhaps writing about it in blog format will help me uncover something.

For whatever reason, even though I have a good life, have the things I need to be successful, and in general have no reason for this, I tend to get depressed at night.  Not really sure why.  I get very critical of myself and any sort of error I make with my life seems to be a huge glaring mistake that I can’t ever recover from.  I have no idea why I go over this over and over, becuase it’s silly.  I am a cocky asshole who accomplished a lot for being only in his first year of college, I have developed a work ethic that I feel many people don’t have, and have come up wtih ways in order to deal with failure, but none of this works at night and I start feeling like crap, like there’s nothing for me to do, and all sorts of garbage.  It pisses me off that I have to feel this way every night and I don’t know why.  And this being pissed off about feeling thi sway pisses me off even more so it’s a wonderfully vicious cycle.

I don’t know what I want to do right now.  I feel like there’s something I should be doing right now, like there is something that can set me right, and I have no idea what it is.  I have this beautiful image of a green, grassy field with a river int he distance in my head for no reason and I feel like i neeed to write something about that but that’s just frustrating because I can’t write.  Maybe I want to go dream about it, but chances are I won’t and if I do I won’t remember anyways.  What’s the point?  Actually I wouldn’t mind having a nice inspiring dream right about now but I won’t so what’s the point?  I’m so sick of this feeling.

I have a wonderful issue with insomnia which I think might actually be related but I’m not even sure.  I might be too tired to even stay at my computer seat, but the moment I lie down, I’m wide awake, and I have all sorts of wonderful thoughts varying from why I hate myself becuase I suck and am a terrible person (which is horribly untrue and I don’t even believe any of this about myself but I think it anyways) to random thoughts about how I wonder proving some math idea would go.  Or occasionally whenever I finish a game with a particuarily profound plot, that always keeps me sleepless that night.  After Heaven’s Feel I spent the night barely conscious with thoughts of who knows what on my mind.  I think halfway through the night I realized I had been thinking about Rin, Saber, and Sakura points, but the problem is I didn’t even realize this.  I don’t understand what I am thinking about or why I am thinking about it so it might be significant.

But yeah essentially I deal with this on a nightly basis.  Sleep is fun because I enjoy dreams like you would not believe but it takes too long and is too frustrating to get there.  Argh I’m just frustrated.


August 28, 2009

I live in Michigan now, because I’m at college.  Up here, we have a lot of water and canals and the like.  Right at the end of campus is the Portage Canal.  I have a problem, basically.

Whenever I stare at large bodies of water, I am mesmerized.  Have been for as long as I can remember, and always will be.  It’s very corny and the like, but I can’t help it.  Once I was on a tour of Northwestern, a beautiful campus in Illinois, and we walked on the waterfront.  It took quite a deal of effort to not just sit down and stare.  Because as far as I could see, there was water.  It was absolutely beautiful looking down Lake Michigan, and if I had gone ot that college, I never would’ve stopped.  Today, first I went to a picnic with the physics department, and that ended wtih me sitting on a bench looking across the Portage Canal, which is beautiful because on the other side is a very large hill covered in trees, old fashioned houses, and the like.  It’s a very beautiful and nostalgic view.

Later, I was getting a tour of a Biomed engineer’s research lab, and across the hall was a window which gave  another beautiful view of the canal.  Once again, I just stood and stared at that beautiful water and the trees across the canal.

I don’t really know what it is about water, but you know what happened?  Every time I was staring, Phantom Ensemble started playing in my head.  I’m not entirely sure why, because I wouldn’t associate that song with water, but I certainly started imagining it when I looked at the water.  But really, I don’t know what it is.  I feel silly getting mesmerized by an ocean every time I see it, but somehow I just love looking across the water.  On the drive up to Michigan is a beautiful bay, and we always drive by at night, so you can see Marquette across the bay, with all of the lights on, and those reflect on the black, black water.  It’s a large bay, so I get this view for such a long time, too.  So, so beautiful.


August 18, 2009

Note to those of you viewing this from TVTropes: I have played this game and series a large amount, I’ve come close to clearing the extra stage of UFO, have 1cced the main game on normal.  I have played Touhou games since shortly after StB was released.  I play these games, and you are wrong if you think I don’t.  I have 1cced every single Windows game on hard except for UFO.  Please keep that in mind!  I don’t talk about the gameplay here intentionally because that is not the point of this blog post!

Sorry I haven’t updated, I was on vacation and then I didn’t feel like updating.  Vacation was pretty fun but nothing special or anything you care to hear about.  Not that you even exists, nobody reads this blog, after all.  And nobody who reads it doe care.

Anyways, so this weekend was Comiket 76, and marked the release of Touhou 12, Unidentified Fantastic Object.  I enjoy the game.  I do not think the extra boss song sounds like UN Owen, and I think Nue has a cool design.  That out of the way, there is something I need to rant about that I don’t feel like doing elsewhere.

First of all, without a doubt, by a wide wide margin, Emotional Skyscraper ~ Cosmic Mind is the best song in UFO.  Perhaps ZUN’s best composition.  I am entirely nuts about this song and have listened to it nonstop for the past two days.  I will continue this for a long while still.  The introduction is great because it’s really dramatic and bosslike.  Cool, it’s a last boss, I could use that.  But then, we like get to what is basically the main theme.  And it is awesome.  And then you know what he does?  He works on this a bit, and he takes it up an octave, and doubles it in ZUN Trumpet and ZUN piano.  The last time I recall him doing this like this is Blue Sea of 53 Minutes.  And guess what?  I love that song too!  But would be believe it, this song gets better.  Suddenly it kicks back and goes to something that could be a staff roll, with a new theme.  And it starts layering onto that.  It adds trumpet, and then it just gets bigger and bigger.  ZUN put it the best way.  He says in his description that it’s supposed to be like one of those songs where everybody is singing together.  And with not a single voice, ZUN did a perfect job doing that.  Then the song loops yay.

Now, take this while you go through her spellcards, which are, in order, some boring purple spiral, a really beautiful butterfly + laser card, CURVY LASERS OF DEATH THAT I DETEST, Shinki’s famous (and rather beautiful) wing pattern, some boring other card, and her final card, which produces extremely intricate rings of bullets, and add that Byakuren’s motives are some of the coolest in the series and she is a great character, and you might begin to understand why I love this boss fight.

And then we get to the Staff Roll (screw endings they’re in moonspeak right now)

Okay, this is some boring staff- WAIT A SECOND IS THAT THE THEME FROM COSMIC MIND?

That is what went through my mind.  I will not reiterate why this is a very, very good thing, because I just rambled a rather large amount about Byakuren’s theme.  And even better, as we got into space (which I love and the song perfectly fits this), suddenly there is a green UFO floating off in the distance!

I understand I am totally nuts for what I am about to write and none of this is intended in the least, but deal with it.

First of all, the song is perfect because it has a great “the trip is over, let’s reminisce about it!”  I am a rather nostalgic person so this is some of the greatest emotional boost type music ever.  And the staff roll produces a feeling of looking into the sky at night, full of stars, and just relaxing because of what you just did.

Now, the green UFO makes this though.  That’s just standard staff roll fare, nothing particuarily special.  However, the random floating UFO gives off a few things.

First off, that the story isn’t over.  If the treasure is still around, clearly it’s not over.  This is already a wonderful image, I love continuing stories, and let’s make it come in a sudden “wow, it’s a UFO!” manner.

Second of all, who doesn’t want to see a UFO?  Don’t lie to yourself, you would LOVE to see a UFO.

And third, finally, and most significantly, and probably why I feel I am insane, it’s almost like ZUN is telling you not to grow up. “Hey, you just beat up this big boss, went to the demon world and back, and were on the ship of a captain famous for sinking other ships.  You know, why don’t you try looking at the sky?  If you believe, maybe you’ll find a UFO!”  And there it is, the green UFO in the distance.  I don’t think that really fully expresses how I feel about it, but it gets a good deal of the point across.

I’m nuts, okay?


August 12, 2009

Well, I’ve got two weeks to go.  Then I’m at orientation.  I’m a little nervous, because it’s something totally different, and I’ll be honest, it hasn’t even begun to sink in that i will be living away from my family (and potentially alone for a few weeks), and I think it’s going to hit me pretty hard.  I love my family, and I don’t want to not be with them.  Don’t have a choice though.  Have to move out someday.

Anyways, as of now, I am rather set on doing a math physics double major.  People online have advised me both to do this and not to do it.  Some tell me that I will probably hate it because I have no idea what college physics or math is like.  Sorry, to you, I say fuck you.  I know what I am doing and I know what I have decided to do and I will stick to it.  And I will become the best goddamned professor because I will see that “I learned it” face if it kills me.  I want to see it more than you might be able to imagine.

But I am waiting for Orientation now.  I don’t really want to go that much because I’ve been having a lot of fun with people at home now, and it’s still weird to think that I will be gone in two weeks, off to make new friends.

We’ll see what happens.  Though it’s going to be weird, I’m not worried.  I can deal with this easily.  And I love learning, which helps.

KnK 2

August 1, 2009

Let me tell you something: I love Murder Investigation Part 1 more than you can possibly imagine.
That is all.

sz and his 30’s

July 30, 2009

So sz is being a dick and won’t give me a good topic to write about so basically I have to write about how he should become a fucking dipshit if he makes it to his 30’s.

Unfortunately, sz is halfway a fucking dipshit already so I don’t know what to say.  He will certainly be a fucking dipshit by the time he is 30 because of the way his life likes to try to troll him, basically.  So yeah, enjoy being a dipshit, sz.

Summer Classes and a rather long dream story.

July 27, 2009

Almost done with my summer class, I’ve been chipping at my take home exam, it’s going pretty well.  Kind of easy, but time consuming too.

I think it was a good use of my summer’s free time.  I needed something to do to feel productive, and since I didn’t have a job, this is a good choice.  Yay.  Plus, I figure I learned a little how to deal with a kind of unfocused professor.  Because he is unfocused.  Not intolerably so, I can follow his lectures almost always, but sometimes I get lost and need to read the book later.  Not good.  Got some good doodles done in his class though.  I doodles the frills from Virgilia’s dress, made a little SD teacher teaching how to derive Coloumbs Law from Gauss’ law of electrostatics or whatever, and a pretty nice sketch of the chair in front of me, complete with perspective.  I learned a bit too, it’s fun.  I just like school, so it’s all good.   School is fun.  Whatever.  I’m totally insane because I enjoy talking about school, nobody else does (not entirely true)

I think I might’ve rambled about this before, but once upon a time, I had this dream, lemme go onto a “horizontal rule” break so it feels seperated.


The dream starts with me on a train going to the city.  The view from the train is nothing but fields and a beautiful river in the distance, with forests to the left.  I lived on a farm.

Anyways, I explain at this point why I am going to the city.  This is a magical fantasy world that is vaguely… not really nasuish but I feel more something NISIOISIN would write.  The city is rather “corrupted” by evil entities and the like, and I’m off to join a demon hunting group.  I’m not exactly good at elimination, but I’m referred to as a “Holy Mage” and have phenomnal support skills and the ability really detect and hold things together.  To make me a little mary sueish, it’s a fairly rare ability, and runs in my family.  Speaking of which, I have two sisters who are older, and they don’t really care for any of this, though they have the magic too.  They stay at home and tend the farm wtih my parents.  They’re 45-50, but act like they’re 30, I’m 18, my sisters are 20-22.  They might be twins, not totally sure.  I can’t remember.  So I get to the city and check out the headquarters.  It’s really dark and dank in the city, it feels like it just rained, even though it hasn’t rained in a few days, is the best way to put it.  Add a film of blue, too.  I think if there was a song that could fit the feeling of this city, it just might be .59.  Ironic, since tengoku means heaven.

The headquarters are a pretty nice place.  Imagine a more hotelish setting than the P3 dorms and you would have a pretty good feel for what I was at.  I meet up with stereotypical male friend archetype.  His name will be Alex for the sake of this, I feel that fits how stereotypical he is of this role.  Tall, blonde hair, red shirt, and jeans.  I’m a little immature so I have trouble dealing with people and he’s kind of loud, so I don’t get along well at first.

Anyways, I don’t remember much of the dream after that for a bit.  Adventures occur, I become team leader (yes I know deal with it).  Nothing major, just small extermination jobs.  Eventually though we get to a mansion that is severely damaged by the cities problems.  I’m actually horrified by the inside of this mansion, and through every single window (there are windows into rooms for some reason) you can see the black outlines of faces.  Creepy.  After exploring the mansion though, we eventually discover the source, there are enteties wrapped around a beautiful staircase in the center of the mansion.  Kind of like the main staircase in the Tohno mansion.  After a rather dangerous event there, where a member of the team gets hurt, we discover that the entire thing is a farce and has been caused by the owner of the mansion.  Apparently our effots aren’t universally appreciated.  Then it turns out this is all a flashback, I’m actually teaching a smaller younger group interested group of demon hunters about this incident, in order to get them to better understand approaches to larger corruption, and to see if they could catch the trick that it was a trap by the mansion owners.

Now, it’s also an issue though, because since most people aren’t overly sensitive to this, nobody really appreciates what we’re doing, and this starts to get to me.  Not enough to stop me in my work, but it’s on my mind a lot.  Eventually, I am out at the store to get some parchment, as I need something to work on spells or something.  Now, this is rather significant.  At the counter of the store stands Arcueid Brunestud (yes, her, without a doubt).  Arcueid is sort of my hero in this story, as she is in this universe a very well known demon hunter.  After we chat about random small talk, the topic comes up about the demon hunting.  Of course it does.  She gives me quite a compliment, and says that I’ve been doing a fantastic job holding the team together.  With her being a famous hunter, and me just being somebody who started about a year ago, this is an ENORMOUS compliment, and sort of changes my entire view around.  Rather than thinking of myself as a noble sacrifice who does this difficult work with no praise, I start to understand how much it matters that I do this.  This is an important turning point in the dream.  Very very important and one of the better feelings I have ever felt, and I remember the feeling of Arcueid telling me this very well.  She eventually leaves then, and the storeowner, who overheard us, gives me a… magic pencil or something that he had, saying it’ll help me with some sort of magic circle, and I decide to test it out there on the parchment I just bought.  And sure enough, without any hesitation, I begin to draw an absolutely gorgeous defensive circle.  Something that not even Beatrice could defeat.  Nearly in tears with thanks from what I just recieved in the past five minutes, I pay and leave, with a new sense of determination.

Skip more time.  Nothing siginificant happens.  Eventually a huge outbreak occurs, and though they’re invisible, there are these basic human form figures just wandering the streets.  They are extremely hard to get rid of, though not overly dangerous.  It turns out that only level five magic can do anything against them, and everybody on our team is at either level three or level four, so for a while we have nothing we can do.  In one particuarily vivid dream, we were in a car driving around, and suddenly two of them show up in the car, and we are forced to just ignore them.  Eventually I use the pencil I was given to come up with something to seal the city from these creatures, and nearly getting myself killed, I call it quits for now, and with the city in a better spot, I decide to head home.

Earlier in the dream, I mentioned that I heard that some people on the train like to go to the back car and take the entire ride on the back ladder.  I had known of this when I was first on the train, but I was kind of terrified of this, and though I wanted the view, it was too scary.  Now that I had finally grown some from dealing with actual trouble in the city for two years, I was ready to take on that ladder, and the view was phenomenal, as was the wind in my hair.  I’m a mage, I gotta have long hair after all.  I eventually get home, a little nervous, at this point I reveal my parents weren’t exactly supportive of all of this, because it was dangerous, and I really did nearly die.  My dad in particular was unsupportive.  My sisters knew I wouldn’t stop, so they were fine with it, though.

However, as I get home, the first thing I see is my dad standing on the grass out front, waiting for the train to come by so he could finally reunite with me.  And in the climax of the dream, and without a doubt the best feeling I have ever felt in a dream, I go up to my dad and hug him, and, realizing just why they were worried, about how easily I could’ve not come home and how lucky I was, I break down and start bawling.  Eventually my dad heads in to go get the others, and at this point I am on my knees in the grass (grass is a recurring theme of beauty in this dream and is particuarily green) still just bawling, pounding the ground with my fists because I couldn’t even begin to understand how stupid I was for taking risks like I did and for how lucky I was that I camehome.  Eventually though I feel a poke on my side, and it turns out my sisters, smiling, are out to greet me, and get me, because there’s a feast out back, along wtih a good deal of relatives and family friends.  At this point I finally stop crying, and after I wipe my eyes, grab my sisters hands as they help me up, I go out to greet everybody out back, feeling truly like I am on top of the world.  I wake up there.


I want to write this into a short story one day, but I might not.  I just want to have another dream where I can have as wonderful as a feeling as I did at the turning point and the end.  This was without a doubt the most emotional dream I have ever had, and it was wonderful